How to Start a Conversation About Death and Dying

Talking with loved ones about our end-of-life wishes may feel complicated and uncomfortable because we need to be open about our wishes while asking others to potentially confront their own fear of death. Avoiding conversations about death and dying may seem easier for everyone, but discussing our plans with loved ones in advance is truly a loving act.

Preparing to have these conversations with friends and family ahead of time can be helpful, allowing you to feel in control and empowered by your decisions and how you’ve chosen to communicate them. Here’s how to get the conversation started to make it as smooth as possible for yourself and your loved ones.

Why you should talk about death with your loved ones

Understanding why it’s important to start conversations about death and dying with loved ones can strengthen our resolve when discussing this difficult topic. Speaking with those you want involved ahead of time can help them feel less stressed about planning and decision-making after you’ve passed, allowing them to truly honor your wishes. Opening up discussions in preparation for the future provides loved ones an opportunity to talk about painful topics before emotions are heightened and minimizes confusion around who is responsible for what, such as who your healthcare proxy is, who the executor of your will is, and what your funeral or memorial service should look like.

Having a written document outlining your preferences and everyone’s roles will also help ensure your wishes are honored, while also making the conversations about death and dying a little easier. Providing a copy of your wishes in a written document to your loved ones -- plus one stored in a safe place, such as a safe deposit box --can be a great way to let everyone know your exact wishes.

How to start a conversation about death

Before gathering loved ones to talk about plans for after you’ve passed, preparing and planning for this conversation are key. Here are some tips to have a constructive conversation with the important people in your life.

Decide who should be included

Think about whom to include in this conversation while being mindful of who can tolerate hearing your plans in a group and who would benefit from being told individually. Being sensitive to these needs can help family and close friends better receive this important information while helping them come together as a unit, avoiding confusion around roles and responsibilities at the time of your passing.

Including your spouse, domestic partner, or next of kin in conversations around death and planning for the future will help them prepare for the days after your passing, as they will be responsible for carrying out your wishes. Adult children, siblings, parents, and other close relatives will also want to know the plans you’ve made so they can understand what your plans are, prepare for their role in honoring your choices, and offer much-needed support and guidance as you navigate these conversations with others.

Timing is everything

There will never be a perfect moment to share your plans with loved ones, and finding time can be challenging with everyone’s busy schedules. Coordinating with other people can also feel overwhelming, regardless of what’s being discussed, but don’t let this deter you from initiating this conversation.

Aim for a neutral time when you know loved ones may best receive the information. Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and other important events are often emotionally charged, so it’s best to avoid these moments, even if everyone gathered will be part of the conversation. It’s also important to plan for a time when you can address everyone’s questions and concerns without feeling rushed.

Introduce the topic of death and dying with care

Through the process of making plans and preparing to share them, there’s been time for you to process your thoughts, feelings, and wishes, but it will be your loved ones’ first opportunity to listen, process, and participate in this difficult conversation. It's a conversation that will force them to think about death in a very real way, often triggering a host of feelings. Planning a way to transition the conversation toward this topic in a gentle way will help decrease everyone’s anxiety.

Every family’s communication style is different, and incorporating this into how you introduce the subject can help. Some families use humor to navigate difficult conversations, and some respond better to something simple, such as “can we talk?” However you decide to signal you’d like to talk and what you’d like to talk about, taking a gentle approach is best. Starting off by saying something like “There’s something important I’d like to talk to you about. I’ve been thinking a lot about the future and have made plans in the event of my passing that I need you to know about” can help set the tone for a productive conversation.

Be clear and confident in your choices

Because this is a topic that brings up many uncomfortable feelings, those you’ve gathered together may attempt to stop you from expressing your plans or encourage you to stop thinking about the future in that way. Reminding them why you've decided to start planning -- "This is my way of making sure you’re taken care of"—and then continuing on will help settle them.

The details of your plans need to be communicated during this conversation, including roles and responsibilities, such as who you've chosen as a healthcare proxy and executor of your will. These are choices that can stir up family dynamics, so being clear and confident in your decision is important. Other information to be shared includes who to contact in the event of your passing, where they can locate written documents, and how you envision your services.

There's no amount of preparing that will make death and dying an easy topic to discuss, but including these tips on how to start the conversation in your planning will ensure you feel empowered and in control when you do decide to share your wishes with loved ones.

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